Letter to John Bates, December 26th, 1919
by Harpy101
Summary: These characters are not mine and the story is not mine. This letter was posted by Anna Bates to John Bates in prison the day after Christmas, 1919.


**Dear John;**

It's been very busy at the house. We've got many guests for the holidays: His Lordship's sister Lady Rosamund and her maid Miss Shaw, (who it seems to me is rather presumptuous but we will see in time), Lord Hepworth, and Lady Mary's fiance' Sir Richard Carlisle. Of course Mr. Crawley and Mrs. Crawley will be here as well. It will be quite the full house for holiday dinners and celebrations, as usual.

Her Ladyship told me that they were all praying for you at church Christmas morning, and I've heard that at the Christmas dinner table a toast went out for the verdict to go in our favor.

Everyone is being very kind to me, or trying to. Lady Mary gave me a broach for Christmas, a gold heart. It's quite a beautiful thing, and I wish I could give it along with all the gold in all the kingdoms of the world to get you free and have you with me.

I can't think of the future at all now. I used to think of the future all the time, the one you and I will have. I feel so helpless. The future seems like a closed door, a strange door that I don't know and I don't know what's behind it, but I must face it all the same.

But I can think of you. I can write to you while we wait for the trial, and I can tell you all thing things I never told you.

I never told you about that first day you came to Downton, and what I saw.

I saw a tall, fine black Irishman with military bearing and a core of deep quiet within him. It was a mysterious quiet; you were like a traveler from a distant land who knew everything about us, but whom we hardly had ways to know. Right away I knew you had seen more of the world than any of us. And you bore your injury as if you had asked for it, with more grace than I've ever seen. It's so hard for a man to be wounded, yet in my life I've seen people with infirmities make up for it in other ways and even excel past hurts of all kinds, so I knew it would not hold you back. And I knew you had gotten it honorably, that you had probably thrown yourself in its path.

And you saw through O'Brien's ill manner and you were gracious with her anyway, more than she deserved. It wasn't because you were giving her authority, but because that is the man you've decided to be. You are kind to everyone and encouraging to anyone who needs it, because you have decided this is the way to be, not because it might benefit you. I knew this about you instantly.

The more you were around the more I wanted to be near you, to stand next to you like you were a stove in winter. You warmed my heart, you drew me like heat. I know you noticed but I couldn't help myself. I would stand right next to you in the kitchen or the servant's hall to drink my tea, I would sit beside you at table whenever I could. I wanted to talk to you for days on end, I wanted to put my hand on your chest and feel your heart beating.

I wanted to put my arms around your neck and make you hold me, right there in the kitchen. It was hard to stop thinking about it, and it made me a little dizzy. No man has ever affected me like you do. Since I'm not a lady I can say, it, I wanted you. I would wake up at night sometimes twisted in the sheets of my bed as if I've been spinning in them, and I had such dreams about you, about unbuttoning your waist coat, about kissing you, about climbing on you and making you take me like a trollop, right there against the wall in the cold courtyard. Gwen would complain that I thrashed about at night and I never told her why but I know she knew. I suppose everyone did, and I could not make myself care. After I met you everything changed for me. I knew what I wanted and I knew who I wanted to be, and that was to be your wife. But if you had let me I would have acted even less a lady, John.

And then I finally got to have you all to myself. I want a lifetime of you next to me. I won't stop dreaming of that. No matter what happens I will never stop wanting that, John. Never in my whole life. You will always be what I wanted and what I want, every day, every minute.

I must to bed since we are up early. More beds to make, more everything with all of our guests.

John, are there clocks in prison? I want to ask you to hold me. In your mind, hold me every day. I want you to think of that when I am thinking of it, I want to know that we are thinking of each other at the same time.

I love you so, my husband. I love you.

Anna


End file.
